Once Upon A Mattress

We bought a new mattress last summer. It's soooo comfortable. But it turns out there's a defect on the side and so I called the mattress store. They sent out their "mattress inspectors" to take pictures, and presumably see if we'd done something horrendous to it, or if it was a lemon.

So the guy comes today and takes pictures of it and then says he needs to take the mattress off to see the box springs. So he and Doug haul the top mattress off (those things are so heavy) and he takes more pictures. Then he says he's got to see the bed's frames. "You mean, you need to see under my bed?" Holy cow. When was the last time it was really cleaned under there? The day the new mattress came? LAST JULY?

Well, they take off the box springs and thankfully it wasn't too bad. Just one of Bob's socks, an empty water bottle, one hair scrunchy, and.....oy. And a cat lugee. I know. GROSS! So I'm dying of embarrassment and can only get "ohmygosh" out of my mouth when he says, "It's okay. Really. You'll be amazed at what I've seen under beds." Sure he's just being kind, I say, "Really? Like what?" He looks at me and says, "One guy had an ax under the bed. A bloody ax."

"You're lying."

"I'm serious."

"What kind of ax?"

"A Paul Bunyan kind of ax."

"Was the mattress extra heavy?"

(he considers this)

"He probably stuck the body in the mattress and called you guys to haul it away!"

I suddenly don't feel too bad about my cat lugee. You know?